Yesterday was a setback. I had low level, background restlessness all morning. It was an unplanned day off from work. There were no OR cases and since I work to recover patients after anesthesia, I had no patients. I could have gone in to work and just sat there all day. But I decided to use some personal time and take the day off.
You know something, just typing it out now and also someone asked on Facebook when I posted about it that was the reason I was off. Something as simple as that. It was an unplanned day off from work.
One thing about me, I don’t do well with long stretches off from work. You know, unplanned free time. I get restless and antsy and the weather was totally uncooperative. It was cold, windy and raining hard. I couldn’t even take Buddy for a walk- and we go out just about every weather condition. Heavy wind and rain I just can’t do.
So I got up early as is my habit, I did my morning meditation and then I had nothing to do. I wanted to post something here on the blog but I had nothing to write about. So that was making me nervous.
I looked at the gym schedule and there was an 8:30 am class. It was a class called 20-20-20. Lots of aerobics and stuff I love. I remember I used to take it years ago and loved it.
But when I got there I was in my weird, sullen mood. Everyone was standing around waiting for the instructor to open up the room. I noticed everyone was paired off talking to someone. Hmm here I am all alone. Old feelings of feeling left out.
The class started and the girl in front of me was a complete jerk. She was totally invading my space. She’s one of those loud, show offs – in great shape and dressed like a Fabletics commercial. I don’t care who you are, there is a certain etiquette required in group classes that you only take up the space you need. You have to be mindful of who is around you, because you don’t want to run into anyone. Well this chick was coming really close to hitting me. It was ridiculous.
I almost said something but I knew if I confronted her it wouldn’t be good because of my mood. So I just spend the majority of the class avoiding getting run over by her. It made what should have been an enjoyable hour a frustrating one.
Now that I think about it, I should have coughed on her! I will definitely do that next time I am in a class with one of those aggressive show off girls. Note to self… 🙂
So my day after that was pretty blah. And my mood stayed sullen. I took Buddy around for a few stupid errands. But I still had the low level anxiety, I couldn’t shake it.
I tried finding a good Eckhart Tolle video to help me sit with the feelings. But I was too distracted to tune in.
By the time I was going to meet my friends for lunch I should have known I would be anxious. Driving up to the restaurant the rain was coming down and visibility was pretty bad. I was listening to a Byron Katie audio CD and it was nice.
what I should have done is listened to the 60 Second Panic Solution videos. Now that would have helped! It always helps when I use it! I don’t know why I sometimes go into this denial mode, that I don’t have anxiety problems anymore. What the hell?
So I was basically in that same mood throughout the lunch. The girls were not unpleasant. They were the same as every day. God love them, I have been anxious around them before. And they still manage to keep inviting me out to things and including me.
Looking back I wish I could have just said. God I feel like shit today I’m so anxious. That would have made everything better! But I could not. I did my old behavior pattern, which is to sit there and feel absolutely miserable, antsy and weird, and cover it up and act like I am fine.
I slammed down a vodka and lemonade, and it helped a little.
While i didn’t have a panic attack, I came pretty close at one point. Finally the stupid lunch was over and it was time to go.
And I just berated myself over and over again in the car on the way home. I felt so bad that I was nervous around my friends.
I was glad to be home. It felt good to lay on the couch and veg after my day of anxious despair. I told Bob about it a little. He was nice and made me laugh.
I feel better this morning, now that I have a little space away from yesterday. It’s 32 degrees and not raining yet. Buddy and I are headed out for our walk…
So that’s my update. Hoping for peace of mind this weekend. And really looking forward to dry weather. So sick of feeling bone-chilled all the damn time….
How are you doing? I hope you are well.
I wish you peace,