How to Consciously Deal with a Depressed, Angry Person

This post is going to show you how to consciously deal with an angry person. The question here is about an angry, depressed husband. But you can substitute anyone here for husband- coworker, friend, mother, sister, neighbor, etc.

Jade said:  Making strides…hubby has been depressed and grumpy at me for 3 days.

His life is changing big time right now.

Proud to say that I have not reacted unlovingly or with my ego. Once I had to walk away and seek solitude though. But I soothed myself and it is starting to work. Any advice?

Jill said: Good girl Jade! I know and have lived your situation.Keep taking those nice peaceful breaths. As much as you can, keep connected to your breathing and inner stillness, which is where your true power lies. You can even teach him this way, by being a space of peace.

And if he tries to zing you with words or a look, etc., do what Eckhart Tolle suggests in The Power of Now– that is, let the insult pass right through you . Offer no resistance to it. See yourself as transparent. Do not allow yourself to be a wall that gets hit with any negativity. Let it pass through.

Take care of yourself and if you need space, then give it to yourself.

Here is what Eckhart Tolle says about dealing with negativity:

“As an alternative to dropping a negative reaction, you can make it disappear by imagining yourself becoming transparent to the external cause of the reaction. I recommend that you practice it with little, even trivial, things first. Let’s say that you are sitting quietly at home.

Suddenly, there is the penetrating sound of a car alarm from across the street. Irritation arises. What is the purpose of the irritation? None whatsoever. Why did you create it? You didn’t. The mind did. It was totally automatic, totally unconscious.

Why did the mind create it? Because it holds the unconscious belief that its resistance, which you experience as negativity or unhappiness in some form, will somehow dissolve the undesirable condition. This, of course, is a delusion.

The resistance that it creates, the irritation or anger in this case, is far more disturbing than the original cause that it is attempting to dissolve.

All this can be transformed into spiritual practice.

Feel yourself becoming transparent, as it were, without the solidity of a material body. Now allow the noise, or whatever causes a negative reaction, to pass right through you. It is no longer hitting a solid “wall” inside you.

As I said, practice with little things first. The car alarm, the dog barking, the children screaming, the traffic jam. Instead of having a wall of resistance inside you that gets constantly and painfully hit by things that “should not be happening,” let everything pass through you.

Somebody said something to you that is rude or designed to hurt? Instead of going into unconscious reaction or negativity, such as attack, defense or withdrawal, you let it pass right through you. Offer no resistance. It is as if there’s nobody there to get hurt anymore. That is forgiveness. In this way, you become invulnerable.

You can still tell that person that his or her behavior is unacceptable if that is what you choose to do, but that person no longer has the power to control your inner state. You are then in your power, not in someone else’s nor are you run by your mind whether it is a car alarm, a rude person, a flood, an earthquake, or the loss of all your possessions, the resistance mechanism is the same.

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, p. 109

Isn’t that just awesome advice? (I am loving this journey of learning to be in my power and not being run by my mind.)

If someone is attacking you with negativity- (what Eckhart Tolle refers to as a Pain Body attack) Here is a great video on how to deal with it.

This is what Eckhart says about responding to another person’s Pain Body:

“Staying silent seems to only fuel their fire. When someone has been taken over by their Pain Body, anything will fuel the fire. Staying silent, not saying anything– anything you say will fuel the fire more.

Staying silent is preferable- when one has been completely taken over by their pain body.

When he or she is totally taken over, communication is virtually impossible because whatever you say, the Pain Body will answer –  and the Pain Body pretends to be the person. The person is totally asleep.

Whatever you say to the Pain Body will be wrong and will fuel the fire.

Be as present as possible, or compassionate if that’s possible. Pain Body’s are very challenging. Sometimes the best solution is to remove yourself for awhile so the Pain Body will naturally subside. If you do remove yourself the Pain Body for awhile will stay active, but then after awhile it’ll come to an end. And then there’s the person you know. Hes back.”

So in dealing with an angry person, or someone who attacks you out of anger: See yourself as being transparent and let the negativity pass right through you. Remove yourself for awhile if it’s too intense. And then do your best to take care of yourself and still be compassionate if you can towards the other person.

Sending a hug and wishing you peace,

Jill G.

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4 Responses to How to Consciously Deal with a Depressed, Angry Person

  1. Maz says:

    Wow I love this post. It’s really brilliant advice. Thank you so much fir taking time to post this Hun

    Maz xx

  2. Kathleen F. says:

    Great post , yet again, Jill. Also the info. on “Alexa”!
    As are most of us, I am dealing with a ton of things that seem to show no hope of turning around. I also know that once the mind goes there, negativity has begun to win. Today, with some tears over a tough issue, I read this and substituted my pain in dealing with the person and am working redirecting my thoughts. Thank you for all you do, post and what a soothing balm as we are all in this together. Hugs, K.

    • JillG says:

      Hi Kathleen,

      It’s true. Every life is fraught with difficulties & heartache. Such is the nature of our short time here. And true, once the mind goes into negativity it can take you over and become you. And that is how life becomes hell on earth. That is what I work on daily myself. I use my difficulties- my challenges with anxiety and everything that goes with it, my marriage, and other things, as a spiritual practice. In other words, I try to face and accept what is in front of me and see if I can do something about it. If not, I try to not resist what is and have acceptance & optimism. Meditation has been a Godsend to me for this reason. It helps me to connect with my body and therefore not be in my mind. Which is the curse of every anxious person and how we live 24/7 – unless we learn better.
      Connecting with like-minded people has been a major blessing of this blog. It helps to realize we are never alone. Everyone struggles with things. And sometimes life is harder than other times. So believe me when I say I appreciate your comments. Hugs back 🙂

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