My mind has been such an enemy to me lately. All week it seems I have been struggling with negative and anxious thoughts, particularly first thing in the morning, which is when I feel most vulnerable.
The mind is very very clever and knows what thoughts to feed you to make you upset. Once you are taken over by the thoughts, it can be hard to come out of it. It took me almost a week to feel better and get my inner calm back today.
We did just have a full moon and I did get my period- usually I feel better after these happenings, especially when I have been feeling a build up of emotion.
What else could it be? Winter doldrums? Check. I am sick of being stuck in the house on weekends. My husband is also stuck in the house, and that means his hobbies are all around. He is fixing broken bikes currently. This morning at 6:30 I was greeted with the nauseating smell of spray paint in my kitchen. So unpleasant!
thoughts thoughts thoughts
My daughter is going back to school tomorrow for her spring semester. I will miss her very much, and yet on the other hand, I am sort of glad she’s leaving. Meaning- the mess, the extra dishes, the noise, will also be gone.
What else… Well I miss my mom and my sister. I have to visit them soon. I feel guilty because I didn’t want to go visit my parents a few weekends ago. I ended up telling a little white lie and chose to stay home- and then I felt guilty about the lie. I just didn’t feel like making the almost 3 hour drive upstate, and all alone at that because no one wanted to come with me. And the next weekend we were snowed in. So double guilt.
Every day this week going into work has been challenging. I feel all vulnerable and scared and I get those stupid thoughts that I won’t be able to handle being there for 10 hours. What a pain in the ass. Without fail the thoughts fade soon after I am there. But the next morning there they are again. Like that old movie Groundhog Day- where every morning is a repeat of the previous one.
As I type it occurs to me that the common denominator of all these things is that I feel overwhelmingly lonely lately. I haven’t really felt connected to my husband or sister or mom or friends lately. Because of that I have been down, and this is fertile ground for negative thoughts!
Yesterday at work my friend was saying how she used to work with a woman who had breast cancer. How brave she was to go through chemotherapy and radiation. I have worked with breast cancer survivors too, and yes they are inspiring. It is heartbreaking to see them so sick and yet there they are everyday showing up and working.
You know, we who live with anxiety are pretty brave too if you ask me. It sucks pretty bad to wake up and feel like absolute hell and still have to go out there and put on a brave face to the world and be productive.
It occurred to me as I was writing this that I have been not only having a lot of negative thoughts lately.. But even worse, I have been letting myself get sucked in and completely taken over by them.
When I think horrific, negative, worrisome, anxious, fearful thoughts, that is what my life becomes.
There is a quote I heard recently that puts my recent mind crap into perspective beautifully:
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. – Aristotle
So the takeaway from all this is a massive dose of loving self care. When you feel bad, vulnerable, or down for whatever reason- be the guardian of your mind. Know that your mind will try to feed you negative thoughts because that is what the mind does.
But please realize that you don’t have to believe every negative thought.
You can choose to think on better things, and so can I. If you let your mind go on autopilot, you will stay stuck in the negative thinking. It’s time to stop dwelling on the negative…
I wish you peace,
FYI. I just purchased this from Uncommon Knowledge: Stop Negative Thinking Hypnosis Download – it shows you how to let negative thoughts drift by without having any emotional impact on you. It was only $14.95, I will use this to ground myself this week and ongoing. I sure could have used this a week ago, but very glad to have it now 🙂