Ok then, well my last post about anxiety setbacks was obviously written just for little ol me. Maybe it was a foreshadowing of things to come because last night was absolutely fucking horrendous and bizarre beyond belief. I gotta spill here because I don’t know what else to do.
If you detest obscenities and pity parties, please don’t read this, because I’m not holding back.
Last night was a retirement party for 3 people retiring from the department where I work. One is my nurse manager who, while ok, doesn’t really care for me and never has. I wasn’t thrilled at the prospect of going really, because I am not into parties, but felt I would show my face thinking it was the right thing to do.
You should know that I went blindly last night, meaning totally unprepared. I didn’t meditate beforehand or settle into myself, or read something to help me, or listen to the 60 Second audios that help me so much. Nothing. I had no a game plan.
The person who organized the party, Theresa, is a flat out mean girl. there is no other way to put it. She is loud and obnoxious to boot. And she is not in high school, she is over 50 years old.
I went out to dinner before this party with 3 other couples. These are 3 other girls I work with closely and their significant others. I brought Bob with me.
So we had our nice little dinner and everyone got to see everyone’s significant others and we all had a good meal. And it was enough really. But the fact that we had our significant others with us was a little off-putting for me. Bob and I were still coming off having a previous bad weekend emotionally.And I was still not feeling overly great from my bad day at work on Friday. That was a mistake. I should have gone alone.
But alas we went to the retirement party and driving all the way there I didn’t feel right. I felt very vulnerable. Bob listened to a football game on the radio the whole way to the party and we didn’t really talk at all.
So many bizarre things happened last night that made me feel anxious and like crying!!
When we got to the place, we walked in with Marie and Joe, one of the other couples from the dinner. We walked directly into the party room which was filled with people (gulp, shit!) and the organizer Theresa (the mean girl) yells out loudly for everyone to here “Oh Marie is here!! I’m So Glad You’re Here!!!!”
And she is hugging her like Marie is the second coming of Christ and everyone is looking and here I am standing right next to Marie like chopped liver, feeling like I am 2 inches tall. And Theresa doesn’t even acknowledge me or Bob at all, not a hello, nothing. It was so nasty!
So I’m just standing there startled and right smack in the middle of the dance floor with all the lights on me and feeling like a jerk. My anxiety is full tilt and I want to leave but how can I just turn around, I just walked in? I feel like I am all alone in a lion’s den. So I just start smiling mechanically and saying hi to any friendly face I see. And there are friendly faces. I get some hugs. I introduce my husband to the friendly people.
But from that moment on I was now highly sensitized. Everything remotely negative felt amplified by a thousand. The night was one big downward spiral…
I look around me and Bob is gone. Gone. I am standing in a room of people in the grips of social anxiety and my so called “better half” is nowhere to be found. What the hell? He barely knows anyone here, I cant even imagine where he is.
Eventually Bob comes back with a beer. Thanks for asking me what I wanted to drink bud! And we go back by the bar. By this time I’m shaking with anxiety. I order a beer and try to drink it and act cool.
I notice everyone is sitting at big round tables in their usual groups and here I am standing alone at the bar with my gallant husband and a few other stragglers who have not been invited to sit anywhere.
Then they put on a really long slide show of pictures that the mean girl and her side kick put together for the retirees. It consists of candid pictures over the years of everyone at all kinds of events and outings and it is actually kind of touching.
But do you know what I noticed? In that entire slideshow of literally hundreds and hundreds of pictures, I was in 2.
I am now almost in tears and then I notice Bob is gone AGAIN. So there I am sitting on a bar stool in the back of the stupid party all shaky but making small talk with people and feeling horrible and wanting so badly to leave. I hated, hated, hated how I felt.
Then there was Roxy. I really like this girl and consider her a good friend. She was at the dinner beforehand and sat next to me. But at this party, except for a few minutes in the beginning, she was nowhere to be found. She is very sociable and was off doing her thing, but it left me feeling very lonely and weird.
After what seemed like forever I see Bob come in from the outside and he tells me he went to go buy Vape juice. What a fuckhead. I wanted to kill him.
That was it. After that we left. It was a complete and utter crap fest. I went home and tossed and turned and wanted to throw up from nerves. And f you think the party was bad, that was nothing compared to what my head did to me all night, beating myself up again and again. At 5:30 am I took a tiny dose Klonopin to help calm me down.
All I can say is I am glad that stupid night is over. And I know this too shall pass. Anxiety sucks and mean people suck too!
Praying for my peace as well as yours,