The other morning I decided to treat myself to my favorite yoga class. I knew as soon as I sat on my mat I didn’t feel good. As people started to fill up the room, I could feel myself getting more and more anxious. Class started and we were doing a quiet mediation. Then it happened, a full on, massive full body panic attack. Followed by another wave, then another. All in a room of complete silence. It SUCKED so bad.
But I stayed glued to my mat. I wanted to leave the class, and it was very, very hard to stay. But I knew inside if I did leave I would only feel better for a moment, and I would beat myself up later.
The panic subsided, as it always does. I felt a few pangs of it during the class, but overall it was a great success. I finished the class feeling quite drained but glad that I had persisted despite the fear.
Why the huge setback and resurgence of anxiety?
My life has been pretty sucky lately. I can’t sugar coat it. My husband did end up losing his job early this month. We are now in a very surreal in- between period where he doesn’t know what he will do next. He is scared out of his wits to be 50 years old and competing in a job market with young people. On the other hand, he hated his job very much and a new job would be more of the same. He is tired and really not feeling great.
He is going on job interviews and we just have to wait and see what happens.
We managed to see his GI doctor last week, the one he sees for his Chron’s disease. My husband never takes time off to see the doctor. He left his office on time, but got stuck in traffic and ended up speeding in his car from NYC all the way to the doctor’s office 60 miles away. By the time he met me in the waiting room he was a mess. He broke down and just started sobbing. It was very very sad.
When we got in to see the doctor he broke down and cried again. The doctor was really kind and spent a lot of time with him. I told the doctor that Bob had mentioned suicide. It was an important conversation and he needed for his doctor to hear him. Bob is now on Lexapro, but it hasn’t started working yet.
Instead he is having massive panic attacks and feelings of doom. This on top of the doom he feels already. I hate even typing all this out, but I want to lay out the context for what is happening so I can make sense of it.
So Bob got laid off. He started the Lexapro on Friday and we had to just get through the weekend.
God how much is enough already?
So we are just taking it day by day. Last Saturday we had a surprise 60th birthday party to go to. It felt really weird. It’s hard for me to go to social events when I feel fine, and I was definitely not feeling fine. We certainly could have skipped it, but that would have been giving in to feelings of depression and isolation. So go we did and we managed to have some lighthearted fun and a nice meal. So that was good.
So, in a nutshell, all this shit has left me feeling off my rocker with agitation, stress, and my old nemesis, anxiety.
I know this time will pass. I know I will be ok. But I am tired Lord. I am tired of being scared all the time. Please help our family.
I know that You created me in Your likeness and that I am Your child. I know that You love me and bless me every day. I know that I am going through this for a reason and I will come out stronger on the other side.
Yesterday I went to a jewelry party at a neighbor’s house. One of those dreaded awful jewelry parties. I felt it would be ok, because I really like this neighbor very much. But no, it sucked. I wanted to leave from almost the minute I got there. I was making the requisite small talk with a nice but chatty lady. Then two of my other neighbors came in together, one of whom I never felt liked me. And that was all it took. Then I was anxious and I lost all perspective of what I should do to help myself.
During the jewelry party presentation, where the person that is selling the jewelry has everyone play these stupid games, I had another massive full body panic attack. It sucked. I wanted to run from the room screaming while they were playing this ridiculous game trying to sign people up to sell this overpriced costume jewelry. But I sat there glued to the couch, my heart racing and sweating like a caged animal. Fun times. Again I stayed but when I left that party later on, I was completely exhausted. 🙁
Today I am making a commitment to step up my self help practices big time. I will meditate in the car every day to and from work. I will review the 60 Second Panic Solution Program as necessary. And I will take my medication as necessary to help me. This isn’t a time for me to try to muscle through a storm. I have to put on my damn life jacket.
I am grateful for the knowledge that This Too Shall Pass. I have lived long enough to have experienced this many times in my life. I know the tough times never last. For this I am truly grateful.
I wish you peace,
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