This is definitely a new phase of life and I’m not comfortable with it yet. We got my daughter off to school last Saturday and it was a good day. She’s doing quite well, from what I can gather, thank You Lord. It just felt surreal for her to be separating from us in such a permanent fashion. I cried for about a good solid hour on the ride home. My heart hurt.
So it’s definitely an adjustment having one less person in the house. It’s neither good nor bad, but it is different. And I miss her.
I ran into a coworker at Target who just got her son off to school and she said “My life is over.” I’m real glad I don’t feel that way. But I can empathize with her. She is divorced from a guy who was a jerk and a cheater. Although my marriage is far from perfect, we’ve made a lot o progress since our bad years.
Monday I worked a full day. I found myself feeling highly sensitized. No doubt because I was still reeling from the weekend and just reality and life seemed different with my daughter gone. Plus I was still anxious about her as she hadn’t checked in with us that much. Wondering is the ok, is she dealing ok, etc etc.
So I did my usual morning routine, I listened to my Alter Picture Audio, and I focused on my breathing. I actually felt really good, and I enjoyed listening to one of my Eckhart Tolle audio CDs on my commute in. But once I was near the hospital, the doom hit. I did the Triple A in my head successfully as I walked into work.
I tried to stay present. I said hello to everyone as I made my way to my locker to change. It just felt like the lights were turned way up and I was just overcome with tension and anxiety. I was literally shaking. It came over me like a tidal wave, seemingly out of nowhere.
There were too many people around the nurses station. I felt like if I didn’t get into the locker room I would definitely have a panic attack. There was a doctor standing nearby texting on his cellphone who I had to talk to about something. But I could not. I scrambled the code on the keypad and went into the locker room as fast as I could to safety.
Once I was changed, I had to put my lunch in the break room. I was afraid to leave the locker room to go there. But of course I did go, and much to my relief, the crowd had dispersed and I was able to get there and then to my unit without incident.
By this time I was so identified with the negative anxious feelings, I went to this really awful place in my mind where I feel completely defeated by the Anxiety Monster. It basically told me Don’t do the Triple A, it won’t work anyway. And I believed it, which sucked. Because it was just not a great day after that. I never really snapped out of it, and found myself sensitized and on edge till I left that evening..
Thankfully I didn’t have a panic attack. And because of all the work I’ve done I have the wherewithal (my good Voice of Reason) to realize this too shall pass. I was just worried about my daughter and emotional from the weekend. And it was a Monday which is historically the most difficult day of the week for me.
The next day I went over the entire 60 Second Panic Solution program to brush up on it and help me reprogram myself, and boy did it feel good. It’s always so reassuring to watch Anna Gibson Steel, she is just an angel.
Feeling compassionate towards myself and just letting myself be where I am now. I’m embracing the change and the weirdness as best I can. I know somehow this is progress.
Working on learning to live in the present moment has really been a blessing to me. I can compare this past Monday to this post in which I was also overcome with anxiety and panic and felt awful for days afterwards. I really feel less emotional about the whole event. Even while I was going through it, I had the distinct feeling that all would be ok, and that I was basically having a bad day. It wasn’t the end of the world, and I didn’t want to flog myself afterwards for it.
Which was nice.
I wish you peace,