I have been feeling so so good all of last week. In the weeks leading up to this moment, I have been studying and listening to:
Byron Katie- and “The Work”. I’ve been reading and and studied her book Loving What Is since last winter. Plus I listen to all those great and healing YouTube videos that have been helping me so much
Pema Chodron- the CD When Things Fall Apart I listen to in the car.
I was learning to just accept my life for the way it was. I was no longer resisting the panic and anxiety, just learning to flow with it…
Then the 60 Second Panic Solution came to my inbox and I felt so transformed. It felt like a miracle. Truly. It was given to me. Then I felt guilty so I bought it anyways. I wanted to feel like I had paid for it.
So what the frig happened today? I was so anxious I couldn’t calm down this morning? I know we are starting a new computer system at work and it was a big deal. I didn’t fully prepare myself.
So I go in to work and BAM- panic attack. I was so disoriented walking into my unit. I haven’t had this happen to me in a LONG time. And I sure didn’t think it would have happened since I had been feeling so well.
Let me re-trace, and see where sensitization occurred…
The realization that my kids are growing up. My eldest is graduating from High School and my younger daughter is going into 10th grade next year. The passage of time has been bothering me lately and I feel acutely weird about my older one going off to college. So much happy anticipation but angst as well!
Feeling sensitized because there are so many temporary employees in the hospital. It feels like an upheaval. There is big change in every aspect of my work I don’t have my routine down pat. Routines give me comfort and I now they are gone for the time. No more paper charting- we are going all electronic. I feel like a fish out of water. It feels very unsettling.
My husband and I have been looking at houses thinking we’d like to move. It has been fun, but we haven’t really seen anything we like. Then my daughters tell me they absolutely don’t want to move. They love our house and they hate everything we have looked at. So I realize the timing is definitely not working and tell my husband that I don’t want to look at houses at least until our older daughter is safely away at school and doing well.
One couple in our couples recovery group has dropped out. I found out last night they might be separating. I feel badly for them because I like them together as a couple and something about our group breaking up feels bad to me. I feel sad.
The Next day…
Thank you Lord I feel much better… Today I studied the program materials and I know now exactly what to do should a panic attack try to start. I now have what I need to thwart it and make it stop in its tracks.
I know that my conscious mind was revolting and regressing back to old thought patterns to try to scare me and take over again. This is the ego, that cannot survive in the lightness of reality and presence.
Although I have a lot going on in my life, this stuff will not make the program any less effective. I was caught up in my mind yesterday and didn’t study or help myself before work. I did not do the Triple A technique, in fact I completely forgot about it!
I have had the supreme honor of being able to interview Anna Gibson Steel, the founder and creator of the 60 Second Panic Solution.
I will be sharing that interview with you as soon as I hear back from her one more time. I know you will benefit from the questions I asked her about her and the program itself. Stay tuned!… 🙂
I wish you peace,
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