I haven’t posted here in months. Hoping you are all well- I miss my online friends! I’ve been working as much as I can since my daughter will be going away to college in the fall. Major bills coming my way Ugh!
Life has been pretty good recently. My anxiety has not been too much of a problem of late and for that I am grateful. I have had occasional panic attacks here and there and also the occasional escalation of annoying anxiety symptoms- namely the feeling that I am going to topple over and faint. The usual bs.
I am so grateful to have my job, I am there 2 1/2 years now. I am still not full time, so I work on different units to get extra hours. All good exposure therapy.
Keeping my thoughts positive and balanced is something I have to work on almost daily. On most days, I still listen to my favorite relaxation CDs in my car on the way in to work.
Getting out of the storm that is in my head is always a good thing
But what has been bothering me a lot over the past few weeks was this very deep, tremendous feelings of loneliness…
It feels like it came out of the blue, but I know I have dealt with feelings of loneliness time and time again. It is one of the major themes in my adult life.
In my head the story goes something like this- no one at work truly likes me, they must think I’m stuck up. After all that’s what a few people said to me when I was younger. Therefore it must still be true. No one likes me, no one will ever like me. Wah!
I was getting close to this one girl at work, but then she got a boyfriend and she is busy with her daughter. Heck, she probably doesn’t like me that much anyways, I’m a generation older than her… She has so many people in her life, she doesn’t need me. Wah!
I see the girls in the lunchroom – they have been working together for YEARS. They have this banter and inside jokes and their families all know each other and Wah, I just sit there in my misery and try to choke down my lunch.
I see my neighbors going for walks together and I don’t have anyone to take a walk with. Wah..
My girls have their lives and their friends and sometimes I feel awkward when they have their friends over… Weird.
Like I said this has been festering for awhile and the negative thoughts were killing me last week. they were relentless and I started to feel sad and dark. It was not good.
Then I go to this really horrific place in my mind where I picture my funeral… and of course no one even comes! That was shocking and scary but it felt so real and I felt like crying!
When I got to the point where I had that image, I knew my thinking was distorted to the point where I had to do something.
After some soul searching and being rational, I was able to uncover what was at the core of this deep loneliness. I came up with this- that I had recently neglected some important connections to others in my world. I was self-sabotaging.
Here are my areas of neglect and the things that have been bothering me- and what I did about them to feel better:
Disconnect with my sister. I have been feeling distant from her for months but didn’t know how to broach the subject with her. Well I bit the bullet and blurted it out during a phone call. Then I started crying. Well, come to find out she has been feeling the same way about me! Go figure!
Since then I feel so much better. I feel like I got my sister back. We have been having good talks and we check in with each other during the week via text. Man does that feel good.
Also, I haven’t talked to my good friend Nina in a few months. I get occasional texts from her and I have no excuse for being distant. I really missed her! It’s true I’m busy, but being busy is an excuse. This was my MO in the past, I used to distance myself from friends on a regular basis. Not sure why but it always hurt and here I was doing it again. What a bizarre and self sabotaging old pattern!
So I reached out to her last week. We had a really nice catch up phone call. It felt so damn nice to talk to her! She is one of those true friends who sincerely asks about my family, the girls, my husband, etc., and cares about me. And vise-versa. Man did I miss her.
I am also so done with this winter. It has been sooooo cold here in Upstate NY, one of the coldest winters I can remember. Being indoors all the time wears on my around February. Spring can’t come soon enough! Not really sure what to do about that but I have been going back to yoga, and man does that feel good. Why the hell I ever stopped I’ll never know
Regarding feeling like crap at work I re-read this post and it helped me get a healthy perspective on the subject.
The ongoing challenge of my marriage. What I did- stopped blaming my husband for everything. Had a really nice day on Saturday. We went to see the Arctic Monkeys at Madison Square Garden- we were probably the oldest people in the audience. Regardless, it was a nice time and we are getting along much better- this is all because I have tried to change my mindset and put forth effort to make the marriage good. It feels much better these days.
The other thing that made me feel disconnected is that I haven’t blogged in awhile. It really is a therapeutic outlet for me. I am able to connect with others who feel the same or at least can identify. It feels good getting my stuff out there and finding solutions and self help strategies to keep me feeling well and happy.
One of the things I promised myself is that when I uncover a problem in my thinking I have to find a solution. That is how I break my old negative behavior patterns.
In addition to the action steps I took above, here are useful articles I read that helped me get out of my loneliness funk:
I have been watching my thoughts closely and combating any negativity with massive feelings of gratitude. I have so much to be happy and thankful about in my life, after all.
So I’m leaving for work in a few minutes and I feel better. I’m glad I did this post and very glad that I spent some time getting to the bottom of these disturbing feelings of loneliness.
How about you? What do you do when you feel lonely? How do you get yourself feeling better?
I wish you peace,
image credit: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/94294185918342163/