After my horrendous spat on Thursday with Bob, I decided to take action and help myself this weekend so as not to start a rumble with him yet again. I am determined to break our negative weekend communication pattern and replace it with some peace.
Before I went to bed Friday night, I found a thick rubber band to remind me to be nice, not engage, stay present, don’t take the bait.
Just the act of making the commitment to myslef to do something and putting on the rubber band felt positive. I said a prayer an went to bed…
I do not want to ruin this weekend. Will snap as I need to, or just look at it and remember- pray, breathe, do not engage, make frequent contact with God.
Saturday morning. Today I am dividing my day into 2 hour blocks of time so as not to overwhelm myself. The prospect of taking on this whole day at once is just too much for me.
9:00 am- Bob is yelling at one of the girls about not being ready to go, etc. The kids are going to a roller skating party.
Tempted to jump in about why is he yelling at such an early hour, leave her alone, etc., but didn’t. Good girl!
10:00 am- He is out of house, driving daughters I took picture of rubber band. So the kids are off with their friends for the day – this is mentally good for me. For one, I know they are involved with others and having fun, and also if we fight they won’t witness any bad behavior or yelling.
11:30 am- he got back, I tried talking to him. He answered in one word grunts. I offered to perform my wifely duty if he wanted. He said he needs to do yard work.
12:10 pm- he is muttering to himself about not being able to find his fucking tools. When he talks to himself and swears aloud this makes me real nervous. I want to jump in, but I hold my tongue.
He is in a bad mood. I am keeping focus on myself, thank you Lord. Have looked at my rubber band reminder several times. Have a nice dialogue going on in my head with God. Thank You for being here with me.
I haven’t talked back, said anything bitchy or took any bait. He isn’t really trying to start a fight, but I can see that this is where I often will jump in and start trouble- when he is mad and frustrated about something and I start nagging him about his swearing.
He is not really communicating with me. That’s ok, at least we haven’t gotten into an argument.
Stole away for a couple minutes to write down my progress and say a short prayer. Very thankful, I know I can do it and I have Faith that God will help me. I am a nice person, I want to get back to being that nice loving person I know I am.
I am hobbling around slowly doing house work. My back still hurts- I hooked myself up to my electric TENS unit to help, it twangs and hurts if I reach too far. I’m moving really really slow, like a turtle. This is helping to keep me grounded in the present and also to prevent me from re-injuring my back.
12:47 pm – We haven’t fought, but haven’t really interacted either. That’s ok, keep going.
I have massive amounts of laundry to do. Going slowly, 1 small load at a time…
Thank you Lord for this beautiful day. It is cool and comfortable, a little cloudy, just the way I like it. It’s not blazing hot outside like it has been, and I can hear the beautiful spring birdies singing away.
My boobs hurt today and I know my period is coming in a few days. I can deal, pms will not get me today.
1:00 pm- just got email from Maz, she is having a rough weekend with her anxiety symptoms, feeling like she cant breathe. Plus she has to work. I feel so bad for her. One thing I can do is pray for her.
2 pm – 4 pm no incidents to report. Bob is outside doing yard work. He is not laying on the couch watching TV all depressed like last weekend. Thank you Lord. I lit a candle in the kitchen, it smells so pretty.
4:00 pm – He left to get the girls. I offered but he wanted to go. We had a little conversation about the yard and the vegetable garden plans for the year. It was fine.
Dang, it feels so good to be praying again- talking to my Higher Power and knowing that I am protected. How did I forget to do this for so long?
Just hopped over to Facebook and Michelle shared a wonderful victory!
Nice! She is a sweetie. You go girl!
I went grocery shopping (I did well thank God) and made en easy dinner. Everyone ate, no drama.
6:04 pm – We haven’t fought, not a spat, thank God, nothing. We are starting to speak in dribs and drabs. I feel better. We are both making an effort.
We are leaving in a half hour to go see a high school play. We talked about going a few weeks ago and it is tonight. We have never ever, done anything like this before. I’m glad we have something to do, somewhere to go, although I’m anxious about sitting in an auditorium. I am having a cup of Holy Basil Tea to help keep me calm just in case.
10:15pm We just got home from the play. It was so cute- the Wizard of Oz. The neighborhood clique girls were there in a group (big surprise- it bothered me of course, because once again I am left out. I just pretended I didn’t see them). We sat front row center. It was dark and very large and felt pretty anonymous. I was not anxious, thank God.
On the way there in the car I mentioned to Bob that I haven’t felt this good on a weekend in I don’t know how long. That I was so glad we didn’t fight today.
His response: Do I have broccoli in my teeth?
So I gotta give him credit. That is much improved from the name calling and baby games from 2 nights ago.
Honestly that play was so enjoyable there was no way we could not laugh and smile. It was such a delight.
I really am pinching myslef. Such a gift to be aware of my thinking and actions and refuse to let them get me in trouble.
Thank you God for grace. I think I’ll keep that rubber band on my wrist for tomorrow too. Just in case. But I’m not even scared now. I think I remembered how not to fight. That wasn’t so hard!
I wish you peace,