A reader has been going through the ringer lately, with relationship and health woes. This is exactly what I am going through in my life lately. I thought today we could look at feeling disappointed in others, perspective, and how to help yourself while you heal.
Terry: I actually called on two friends over the last year (what I thought were my “closest friends”) and asked them to stay with me. Both bailed. I guess strong people don’t attract strong friends lol.
I realized that the place I feel “safe” is in the woods, which is why hiking was my save this past year. That plus pounding out / sweating out the anxiety relieved a lot of the physical symptoms.
Jill: Ouch about the friends. I’m sure that must have hurt very much. Been there…
But you know something though, the older I get, the more I realize that people are just people. And no one can act beyond their capacity of what is referred to as unconsciousness. If they are hurt or hurting, they will unconsciously hurt others- without even meaning to. That is what I am learning about my husband.
That is the meaning of: “Forgive them for they know not what they do.”
Or even friends- really close “in real life” friends that I have reached out to. I have a friend who I love and work with and do outings with and girls weekends with. I confided in her about my troubles last summer and she was there for me. And yet now it’s just never talked about. Does this mean she stinks as a friend?
That depends on ME and what I believe. 15 years ago I would have thought so. I would be hurt and angry. But today I’m not. We haven’t talked once about my gut wrenching situation in months, and we have a nice spa day planned in a few weeks. And we went to a spa last month, talked about everything under the sun, but not my situation… And while it’s a little weird, it’s FINE….
I have also shared – and immediately regretted doing so- with my mom. 🙁
People mean well. But they are uncomfortable around upsetting life things and no one really knows what the “right” thing is to do. Hell, I have no idea what I am going to do. There are just some things best handled by a professional. So I made a great decision and got my ass back in therapy yesterday. I had been feeling sad and scared and I just spilled it to my wonderful therapist. It felt so good to get my feelings out and get good feedback and support.
MY JOB is to be there UNCONDITIONALLY for myself, in my own corner, at all times. <This is your job too! 🙂
People with anxiety are over-thinkers and therefore are wonderful and masterful at self-sabotage, and it comes in many forms: negative thinking patterns, overeating, addictions, thinking they are not good enough, etc.
Hear me loud and clear: You are wonderful. You are enough. You are worthy of every good thing life has to offer. And you deserve love and happiness. (saying this to myself too).
You love the woods because nature has integrity. It’s always there. It’s reliable, safe, grounding, restorative, healing. No wonder we love to be outside.
Our animals accept us without judgment
Same with our pets. They just are who they are. My dog Buddy is quirky and needy and he needs to play and be exercised every day. And it can drive me crazy. But he never judges, is always in the now, always happy, and he is just a love. (And having a dog that needs to exercise is a blessing for someone like me, who has been regulating her nervous system with physical exercise since my teens.)
Being outside with Buddy takes me out of my head and gives me a different kind of workout than I can get in the gym, surrounded by people trapped in their headphones. It is less intense, but far more satisfying to be out in nature with him.
It sounds like your big hikes are how you are resourcing yourself- that is, that is what you are using to make yourself feel better. That is wonderful!
Terry: Sadly, my solo hikes, alone, were where I felt the least lonely and scared.
You think you need someone by your side to complete you. That is a common feeling. But you are already complete. When you can be there for yourself with compassion and be in your life situation without judgment, a space of great healing opens up. And then you attract the very thing in your life you think you lack.
Self care and healing is what I am living myself right now, so I can understand and empathize with what you’re going through. I have been disappointed in my husband and felt less than supported by my friends.
When you’re down and feeling disappointed, remember that this is not the time to shrink back. Instead take excellent care of yourself. Get your rest, eat healthy, and show up each day with a positive attitude. Be kind to yourself and those around you.
Your situation may not improve, but YOU will improve, and then I guarantee the situation won’t seem so bad.
What do you have to say about being disappointed in friends and loved ones? Can you lend your advice or suggestions?
I wish you peace,
No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering, by Thich Nhat Hanh. I picked up this book a few months ago, after I learned about my husband’s shall we say indiscretions. It has been helpful in showing me how to slow down, be present, and use my suffering to as a way to heal myself. Especially recommended if you meditate and practice mindfulness, like me. Check out the reviews on Amazon here.
If almost all your self esteem is directly correlated with what others think of you, Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It by Kamal Ravikant, will help you get out of your head and learn that you are the answer, no one else. Read the reviews on Amazon here.